I’m an idiot.
Last night, I went to the gym. Because I’m a good American who reads magazines.
I’m taking it easy at first- it’s only been a week and every time I look at a machine that requires my reading the instructions, I hear the NeNe voice in my head say, “Let’s not get crazy.” So I ran a mile on the treadmill. Then, feeling just slightly sick to my stomach, I trotted off to the locker room. (The voice in my head at this point was more like that dude in Love Actually who’s stalking Keira Bony Shoulders. “Enough. Enough now.” Did I just admit I hear voices in my head? That is really what I hear when it’s time to end something.)
I entered the locker room. I stopped. On the television screens that are everywhere in the gym, Community was starting. I still don’t have television at home. Community was starting. I could watch Community in the gym. Instead of going home and acting it out in my living room. I could watch it. Like a person. Like a person with dignity.
My two options at this point are 1) Sit in the locker room and watch it on the bench while people get naked around me, as I slowly morph into The Creepiest/Saddest Woman In The Locker Room Please Move Your Locker To The Back or 2) I could find the lamest machine ever and watch it from there.
I picked the stationary bike. The one with the back because I’m a genius. And, contentedly, I started peddling. TV!
Here’s the part I did not consider- first of all, I am too competitive/fearful of people in the gym judging me for my lack of stamina or awesomeness in the gym. So peddling at a slow pace was not an option. I chose Level 3 because clearly my idiocy has no bounds.
Thirty minutes. A network sitcom lasts thirty minutes. Thirty minutes on a bike. Level 3. I carefully gauged my athletic ability at the beginning of this “session” to be a mile jog. One mile. One.
The show was good. I was happyy. It ended. I hit stop, smug and out of breath. Look at me, I thought, beating the system. Working out and watching free TV (for $50 a month, bygones). I’m awesome. I am not pathetic. I did not just bike 5 miles even though I am completely out of shape and fighting the very early beginnings of a cold because I wanted to watch a television show (one readily available to me on the INTERNET, still free, the next day at lunch). Ah, yes I did. I did actually.
Remember that episode of Full House where DJ goes on the crash diet so she doesn’t look like an obese chipmunk at 75 lb Kimmy Gibler’s pool party? And she crams all that shizz into the most spastic workout session in history and then passes out wearing Lycra?
I did not pass out, thankfully, but if someone can tell me how I made it home on jello legs, I’d be super appreciative. Also, can someone come to the gym with me so I don’t do this again? That’d also be great.
Entry filed under: Random Bits.