Who’s Left on the Island?

Not having cable during September (aka New TV Time!) is pretty much my nightmare scenario. One I am currently living in. Beyond the initial questions of “What the hell was I thinking?” and  declarations of “well, its 9:30 so I GUESS I’LL GO TO BED WTF”, I’m going to make a sincerely shocking statement to anyone who’s ever spent more than five minutes with me:

It actually might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me (TV-wise).

Before you start hyperventilating (Beal), let me qualify this statement- I am not nor shall I ever be one of those people who can live without a television, television shows, television-based products, television accessories and television devices. I’m sure that at the end of my life, I will be in my death bed wrapped in a Snuggie, watching the flat screen I dragged into the hospital room, clutching TiVo with my cold, dying hands. Just so we’re clear.

But. Having a very, very limited window (aka lunch at the office on the Interweb) to watch shows that I Cannot Live Without has led to some pretty shocking revelations, at least to me. (This is the most fascinating blog post of all time.) Shows that I thought I loved? Turns out I can live without them- some of them I even dread watching (DREAD). New shows that I was excited to see this fall? Meh. Other dark horses have emerged.

In case you were wondering, here is the Cliff Notes of my eye-opening months without cable (IT FEELS LIKE IT’S BEEN FOREVER):

USA- Let’s all be spies or detectives!

Burn Notice: I have not watched Burn Notice once since my TV went dark. I don’t even know how this season ended. At one point, I went to the Hulu page and sighed, “Every single episode is basically the same.” I might as well have poisoned the damn thing.

Covert Affairs: Conversely (and this MIGHT be because it’s new or simply the different serialized structure), haven’t missed an episode. Yes, clearly, I’m just waiting for Piper Perabo to make a reference to dancing on a bar in her wilder youth. But no kidding, this show is good. I’ve even stopped laughing at the stupid intro montage. And HotHinder! From Heroes!

AMC- Our Shit Seriously Doesn’t Stink. We Know Because We Just Pooped in Your Hands And You Are Wearing It Like a Gold Bracelet.

Mad Men:  I have always kind of dreaded watching Mad Men. I don’t have the stomach for Intense Shows Where 99% of the Characters Are Intense And Miserable And No One You Would Ever Want to Meet in Real Life (see critically acclaimed series such as The Wire, Sopranos, Breaking Bad). But Mad Men is so pretty! And my Google Reader hearts it SO, SO MUCH. Still, weeks without a new episode? It’s like I’ve had a month of substitute teachers who totally fell for the old “our teacher doesn’t believe in homework” story. I might still watch it- on mute. (Also, I crack up whenever they do “Sneak Previews.” They are ridiculous- nothing but split second shots of random characters saying random things- what is the point of them? We get it, Weiner. You won’t REVEAL anything. At least spare us the shot of Betty eating an apple and saying, “I told you not to talk to him like that!” Who is she talking to? What room is she in? I don’t even care.)(Second aside, seriously, Weiner- I know you’re not hurting for ratings and awards but do not discount the beauty of a sneak preview. I still remember the sneak preview for Dawson’s Creek when Joey and Pacey were going to do it! On the ski trip! omg! There were screams up and down my dorm hall. Just saying. It was magic. They’re like TRAILERS, itty bitty trailers. Have you ever met anyone who wanted to go to the movies and SKIP the previews? No. That person is awful and does not exist.)

FOX

Glee: Glee kind of inspired this post altogether. Ten minutes ago, I wandered over to Hulu and thought about watching last night’s episode. And I just- I couldn’t do it. I’ve been feeling cranky about the show’s Constant Publicity over the summer. This is another series that Google Reader is obsessed with, to the point that seeing the name makes me feel like a spider has dropped on to my neck. There is also the sensation that Glee (which already was so fundamentally flawed in execution last season and still so revered) is going to suffer this season and beyond- the allure of what made the show so different and fun is now familiar. And if the writing wasn’t strong then, what are the odds that it’ll be stronger now? I don’t think I can bear to watch something that I know in my gut could be so much better.

Shows I Still Cannot WAIT To See:

Parks and Recreation

Cougar Town (for anyone who has an Urban Family, you need to see it. Don’t let the title mislead you- they know it’s awful and we’re stuck with it.)

Community

Outsourced (just kidding! Ha ha ha)

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

I am now that person without cable…

Judi & TiVo in happier times...

For two months, I will not have cable. This is strictly a financial decision (I won’t have Internet either- I know. I know.) but it’s a practical one too- I’ve pulled back on the new book for too long this summer and now I need to dive back in and really immerse myself in this world I’ve created. I need to get the book DONE so I can edit it, try and sell it and work on the next one (which will be mercifully short and a comedy- hallelujah). Hopefully, the forced lack of distraction in the house will help.

Also, who knows where this will lead? Remember that episode of How I Met Your Mother when Ted’s dating his douche-canoe college girlfriend and she walks into the dorm room and stares at the TV- “What is that?”, her beret all askew? Yeah, I could end up totally like that. Once I started baking my own bread (omg I hate myself so much sometimes), it was all heading there anyway…

PS Of course, because I’m an addict, I couldn’t quit cold turkey so I got Netflix- three at a time, unlimited, baby. The book might have to wait until I get through True Blood Season 2…

Smile it up, you bastard

It was down to a gun or yet another cigarette, which I think would’ve been quite apt, given my current mood. July means new Mad Men starts! Mad Men Yourself. For a less violent version, check out Jaci’s at Everyday Sassypants.

Alternate titles: “Give me a fucking breadstick.” And “You would not believe how hard it was to carry this rifle on a Vespa.”

We all need to calm down now…

I am exhausted. How do you throw yourself into sports so completely and not need medical attention afterwards?

Intentionally, I’m stepping away from soccer for the moment (and my fantasies of shrinking Landon Donovan until he’s wee enough to carry on my shoulder for the rest of eternity) and turning my attention to this, which I have a feeling will be my newest BBC America obsession when it arrives:

A precious Brit tries to inspire a downtrodden town by turning them into a choir. He looks incredibly charming and you should watch the promo for the second series here because I caught it while drooling over Pacey on The Graham Norton Show two weeks ago and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. (I also haven’t been able to stop thinking of Pacey, who based on this performance, I am convinced is my generation’s next George Clooney- JUST YOU WAIT, AMERICA.)

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go cheer on Serbia for my friend Ivan and yes, I realize I’ve just touted Serbia, the US and England in the same post. I’m so thrilled with this morning’s game that I truly don’t mind spreading the joy. I’m sure the adorable Gareth would agree.

And, I mean, it’s not like I even mentioned the French…

Thank You CBS

Dear CBS,

Thanks for greenlighting the new CBS pilot Mike and Molly.

First and foremost, you were brilliant enough to realize that Melissa McCarthy is one of the funniest television actors on the planet. Then, you recognized that I am still personally devastated by Samantha Who’s cancellation and stepped up to fill that void in my soul. It’s like television killed my dog and then gave me a kitten with one eye to make me feel better.

Most importantly, however, thank you for resisting the typical urge of studio heads to take a show that centers around people who are overweight and not calling the show something derogatory and subtly nasty, or something that sounds cute but is actually just one more dig about being larger than a size four.  Titles like The Biggest Loser.  Or Less Than Perfect. I appreciate you biting your lip and not suddenly shouting out in the development meeting, “Let’s call it Fatty Like Cake!” Everyone laughs and nods appreciatively. “It’s so good of us to put on a show like this. With REGULAR PEOPLE.”

Anyway. Hopefully the show will be good. Hopefully, under James Burrows’ gentle, Emmy-winning hands, it will be a show about two human beings and not a 30 minute version of Monica’s fat-suit dance.

Fingers crossed…

Sincerely,

Judi

PS. To ABC Family- Thank you so much for creating a show about teenagers at “fat camp.” But not sure how I feel about you calling it Huge. Seems like that was just a little too easy. Then again, since you cancelled 10 Things I Hate About You, I’ve been calling you Suck so I guess we’re even.

TV: I am so tired of cops, lawyers and doctors

Seriously. Enough is enough. I’m going to create a TV blog dedicated to television’s obsession with all three occupations. LOOK AT THIS LIST. It’s insane.
10-8: Officers on Duty (USA, 2002-2003)
21 Jump Street (USA, 1987-1991)
24 (USA, 2001-2010)
240-Robert (USA, 1979-1981)
77 Sunset Strip (USA, 1958-1964)
Adam-12 (USA, 1968-1975)
Alias (USA, 2001-2006)
Der Alte (Germany, 1976-present)
America’s Most Wanted (reality) (USA, 1988-present)
The Avengers (UK, 1961-1969)
A Touch of Frost (UK, 1992-2009)
Ashes to Ashes (UK, 2008-present)
Angela’s Eyes (USA, 2006)
The Academy (reality) (USA, 2007-2008)
B.J. and the Bear (USA, 1979-1981)
Backup (UK, 1995-1997)
Bakersfield P.D. (USA, 1993-1994)
Banacek (USA, 1972-1974)
Baretta (USA, 1975-1978)
Barnaby Jones (USA, 1973-1980)
Barney Miller (comedy; USA, 1975-1982)
Bergerac (UK, 1981-1991)
Big Apple (USA, 2001)
The Bill (UK, 1984-present)
Blue Heelers (Australia, 1994-2006)
The Blue Knight (USA, 1975)
Blue Murder (Canada, 2001-2004)
Bones (USA, 2005-present)
Booker (USA, September 24, 1989 to May 6, 1990)
Boomtown (USA, 2002-2003)
Bourbon Street Beat (USA, 1959-1960)
Brooklyn South (USA, 1997-1998)
Der Bulle von Tölz (Germany, 1996-present)
Border Security Australia’s Front Line (Australia, 2004-present)
Cagney & Lacey (USA, 1982-1988)
Cannon (USA, 1971-1976)
Car 54, Where Are You? (comedy; USA, 1961-1963)
Castle (USA, 2009-present)
Charlie’s Angels (USA, 1976-1981)
CHiPs (USA, 1977-1983)
C.I.D. (India, 1998-present)
C.I.D. Special Bureau (India, 2005-2006)
City Homicide (Australia, 2007-present)
Close to Home (USA, 2005-2007)
The Closer (USA, 2005-present)
Cold Case (USA, 2003-present)
Cold Squad (Canada, 1998-2004)
Columbo (USA, 1971-1994)
COPS (reality; USA, 1989-present)
Cop Shop (Australia) (1977-1984)
Cracker (original) (UK, 1993-1996)
Cracker (remake) (USA, 1997-1999)
Crime & Punishment (reality; USA, 2002-2004)
Criminal Minds (USA/Canada, 2005-present)
Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior(USA, starting in 2010)
Crossing Jordan (USA, 2001-2007)
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (USA/Canada, 2000-present)
CSI: Miami (USA/Canada, 2002-present)
CSI: NY (USA/Canada, 2004-present)
Crash Investigation Unit (Australia, 2008-present)
Dalziel and Pascoe (UK 1996-2007)
Danger Man (UK, 1960-1962 and 1964-1968)
Dark Blue (USA, 2009- present)
David Cassidy: Man Under Cover (USA, 1978-1979)
The Dead Zone (USA/Canada, 2002-2007)
The Defenders (USA, 1961-1965)
Dempsey & Makepeace (UK, 1985-1986)
Derrick (West Germany, 1974-1998)
Dexter (USA, 2006- present)
Diagnosis: Murder (USA, 1993-2001)
The District (USA, 2000-2004)
Division 4 (Australia, 1969-1975)
Disorderly Conduct: Video on Patrol (reality)
Dixon of Dock Green (UK, 1955-1976)
Dragnet (USA, 1951-1959, 1967-1970, 1989-1991 and 2003-2004)
Due South (Canada/USA, 1994-1999)
Duggan (New Zealand, 1999)
Eleventh Hour (USA, 2008-2009)
Ellery Queen (USA, 1975-1976)
Der Ermittler (Germany,2001-2005)
Eureka (USA, 2006-present)
The F.B.I. (USA, 1965-1974)
The FBI Files (documentary, USA; 1998-2006)
Ein Fall für Zwei (Germany, 1981-present)
Fastlane (2002-2003)
Father Dowling Mysteries (USA, 1987-1991)
Faust
FlashForward (USA, 2009-2010)
Flashpoint (Canada-USA, 2008-present)
Foyle’s War (UK, 2002-present)
Fringe (USA, 2008-present)
The Fugitive (USA, 1963-1967 and 2000-2001)
Funky Squad (Comedy; Australia, 1997)
The First 48 (USA, 2004-present)
The Gentle Touch (UK, 1980-1984)
Gorilla – The Police 8th Investigation Unit (Japan – 1989)
Harry O (USA, 1974-1976)
Hart to Hart (USA, 1979-1984)
Hawaii Five-O (USA, 1968-1980)
Hawaii Five-O (2010 version) (USA, starting in 2010)
Hawaiian Heat (USA, 1984)
Hawk (USA, 1966)
Heartbeat (UK, 1992-present)
Heartlanders (Singapore, 2002-2005)
High Incident (USA, 1996-1997)
Highway Patrol (USA, 1955-1959)
Hill Street Blues (USA, 1981-1987)
HolbyBlue (UK, 2007)
Homicide (Australia, 1964-1977)
Homicide: Life on the Street (USA, 1993-1999)
Hot Pursuit (reality; USA, 2006-present)
Human Target (USA-Canada, 2010-present)
Hunter (USA, 1984-1991)
In the Heat of the Night (USA, 1988-1994)
In Justice (USA, 2006)
In Plain Sight (USA, 2008-present)
Im Namen des Gesetzes
The Inspector Lynley Mysteries (UK, 2001-2007)
Inspector Morse (UK/USA, 1987-2000)
Inspector Rex (Austria/Germany, 1994-2004)
Ironside (USA, 1967-1975)
It Takes a Thief (USA)
JAG (USA, 1995-2005)
Jake and the Fatman (USA, 1987-1992)
Joe Forrester (USA, 1975-1976)
Judd, for the Defense (USA, 1967-1969)
Judge Judy (reality; USA, 1996-present)
Juliet Bravo (UK, 1980-1985)
Justified (USA, 2010-present)
Juvenile Jury (game-show, USA, 1947-1954)
Keen Eddie (USA, 2003)
Kojak (USA, 1973-1978 and 2005)
Der Kommissar (West Germany, 1969-1975)
Die Kommissarin (Germany, 1994-present)
Kriminaltango
K-Ville (USA, 2007)
L.A. Heat (USA, 1999)
LAPD: Life On the Beat (reality; USA, 1995-1999)
Las Vegas (USA, 2003-2008)
Law & Order (USA, 1990-2010)
Law & Order: Criminal Intent (USA, 2001-present)
Law & Order: Criminal Intent (Russia, 2007-present; an official adaptation of Criminal Intent)
Law & Order: Division of Field Investigation (Russia, 2007-present; an official adaptation of Special Victims Unit)
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (USA, 1999-present)
Law & Order: UK (UK, 2009-present)
Law & Order: Los Angeles (USA, starting in 2010)
Lie to Me (USA, 2009-present)
Life (USA, 2007-2009)
Life on Mars (original) (Sci-fi; UK, 2006-2007)
Life on Mars (remake) (Sci-fi; USA, 2008-2009)
Lincoln Heights (USA, 2007-2009)
Magnum, P.I. (USA, 1980-1988)
Manhunt (USA, 1959-1961)
Mannix (USA, 1967-1975)
Martial Law (USA, 1998-2000)
Matlock (USA, 1986-1995)
Matlock Police (Australia, 1971-1975)
Matt Houston (USA, 1982-1985)
McCloud (USA, 1970-1977)
McMillan and Wife (USA, 1971-1977)
Medium (USA, 2005-present)
The Mentalist (USA, 2008-present)
Metamorphosis (Singapore, 2007)
Miami Vice (USA, 1984-1990)
Mickey Spillane’s Mike Hammer (USA, 1958-1960 and 1984-1985)
Midnight Caller (USA, 1988-1991)
Midsomer Murders (UK, 1997-present)
Millennium (USA, 1996-1999)
The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo (USA, 1979-1981)
The Mod Squad (USA, 1968-1973)
Monk (USA, 2002-2009)
Moonlighting (USA, 1985-1989)
Moonlight (USA, 2007-2008)
Ein Mord für Quandt
Mortimer’s Patch (New Zealand, c1982)
Most Wanted (USA, 1976-1977)
Murder City (UK, 2004-2006)
Murder One (USA, 1995-1997)
Murder Call (Australia, 1997-2000)
Murder in Suburbia (UK, 2004-2005)
Murder, She Wrote (USA, 1984-1996)
Naked City (USA, 1958-1963)
Nash Bridges (USA, 1996-2001)
NCIS (USA, 2003-present)
NCIS: Los Angeles (USA, 2009-Present)
New Amsterdam (USA, 2008)
New York Undercover(USA, 1994-1998)
Night Court (comedy) (USA, 1984-1992)
Night Heat (Canada 1985-1989)
N.Y.P.D. (USA, 1967-1969)
NYPD Blue (USA, 1993-2005)
Numb3rs (USA, 2005-2010)
Owen Marshall: Counselor at Law (USA, 1971-1974)
Ohara (USA, 1987-1988)
O’Hara, U.S. Treasury (USA, 1971-1972)
Operation Good Guys (comedy; UK, 1997-2000)
Pacific Blue (USA, 1996-2000)
Painkiller Jane (USA, 2007)
Paris Criminal Investigations (France, 2007-present)
The People’s Court (reality; USA, 1981-present)
Perry Mason (USA, 1957-1966)
Police Academy: The Series (comedy; USA, 1997-1998)
Police & Thief (comedy; Singapore, 2004-2007)
Police Squad! (comedy; USA, 1982)
Police Story (USA, 1973-1977)
Police Woman (USA, 1974-1978)
Police Woman of Broward County (USA, 2009)
Police Woman of Maricopa County (USA, 2010)
Prime Suspect (UK, 1991-2006)
Prison Break (USA, 2005-2009)
The Profiler (USA, 1996-2000)
Psych (USA, 2006-present)
The Pretender (USA, 1996-2000)
Quincy, M.E. (USA, 1976-1983)
Raines (USA, 2007)
Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) (UK, 1969-1970)
Remington Steele (USA, 1982-1987)
Reno 911! (comedy; USA, 2003–2009)
RoboCop: The Series (Sci-Fi; 1994)
Richard Diamond, Private Detective (USA, 1957-1960)
The Rockford Files (USA, 1974-1980)
Rockliffe’s Babies (UK)
The Rookies (USA, 1972-1976)
Rookie Blue (USA, starting in 2010)
Rush (Australia, 2008-present)
Saving Grace (USA, 2007-2010)
The Saint (UK, 1962-1969)
Seletar Robbery (Singapore, 1982)
Sergeant Preston of the Yukon (USA, 1955-1958)
The Shield (USA, 2002-2008)
Shoestring (UK, 1979–1980)
Shields Of Justice (USA, 1972–1983)
Silent Number (Australia, 1974-1975)
Silent Witness (UK, 1996-present)
Silk Stalkings (USA, 1991-1999)
Simon & Simon (USA, 1981-1989)
Siska (Germany, 1998-presents)
SOKO Kitzbühel
Solo One (Australia, 1976)
Southland (USA, 2009-present)
SP (Japan, 2007-2008)
Specials (UK, 1991)
Special Unit 2 (USA, 2001-2002)
Spenser: For Hire (USA, 1985-1988)
Standoff (USA, 2006-2007)
Starsky and Hutch (USA, 1975-1979)
Street Justice (USA, 1991-1993)
Street Legal (Canada, 1987-1994)
Street Legal (New Zealand, 2000-2003)
The Streets of San Francisco (USA, 1972-1977)
Sue Thomas: F.B.Eye (USA/Canada, 2002-2005)
S.W.A.T. (USA, 1975-1976)
The Sweeney (UK, 1975-1978)
Switch (USA, 1975-1978)
The Strip (Australia, 2008)
Sea Patrol (Australia, 2007- Present)
Taggart (UK, 1983-present)
Thief Takers (UK, 1996-1997)
The Closer (USA,2005-present)
The Commish (USA, 1991-1995)
The Kill Point (USA, 2007)
The Knock (UK, 1994 – 2000)
The Last Precinct (comedy; USA, 1986)
The Mentalist (US, 2008-present)
The Thin Blue Line (comedy; UK, 1995-1996)
Third Watch (USA, 1999-2005)
T.J. Hooker (USA, 1982-1986)
Triple Nine (Singapore, 1995-1998)
True Files (Singapore, 2002-2007)
True Heroes (Singapore, 2003)
Twin Peaks (USA, 1990-1991)
Der Unbestechliche
The Untouchables (1959 TV series) (USA, 1959-1963)
The Untouchables (1993 TV series) (USA, 1993-1994)
Underbelly (Australia, 2008-2009)
“The Unusuals” (USA, 2009)
Van der Valk (UK, 1972)
Vanished (USA, 2006)
Vega$ (USA, 1978-1981)
The Vice (UK, 1999-2003)
Veronica Mars (comedy, USA, 2004-2007)
Waking the Dead (UK, 2000-present)
Walker, Texas Ranger (USA, 1993-2001)
Wallander (UK, 2008-present)
Warehouse 13 (USA, 2009-present)
Water Rats (Australia, 1996-2001)
White Collar (USA, 2009-present)
The Wire (USA, 2002-2008)
Wire in the Blood (UK, 2002-2008)
Without a Trace (USA, 2002-2009)
Women’s Murder Club (USA, 2007-2008)
Wycliffe (UK, 1994-1998)
White Collar Blue (Australia, 2002-2003)
Wiseguy (USA, 1987-1990)
The X-Files (USA/Canada, 1993-2002)
Without a Trace
Yellowthread Street
Z Cars (UK, 1962-1978)

This is just a list of dramas about COPS. (And yes, I realize there are some weird ones here- like, they think Veronica Mars is a cop drama which it really isn’t. I mean, there’s a few cops present but it isn’t a procedural in that sense. Also, Alias? What? Why not throw West Wing on the list too, I think you see a Secret Service guy every once in a while. Stupid Wikipedia).

But still, my point is made- it has been done. We get it. I am officially no longer interested in watching a television program about 1) cop families 2) misfit partners, 3) young lawyers just starting out, 4) hospitals where everyone is mind-numblingly attractive except for the patients. Oh. Those are all new shows next year. Gaaaaahhhhhh. When will it end??? Now, we’re resurrecting OLD cop shows too? You’re killing me here.

Here’s an alternative list of occupations that have a sad lack of representation on the tube. Network executives, please feel free to mine any of these suggestions for television GOLD:

- Zookeepers (think of the poop throwing jokes!)

- Disaster relief workers (like doctors! I’m willing to let us ease into this transition!)

- Social workers (oh, I’m sorry- not enough drama for you? Abandoned kids, beaten spouses, drug use, alcohol, disabled kids on food stamps. Come on. And no, Judging Amy does not count as she was a judge and there we are, back in the courtroom)

- Car salesmen

- Air traffic controllers (a supremely high-stress job, that’s gotta create a bunch of real characters. Like Pushing Tin without you having to wonder about Billy Bob and Angelina’s behind-the-scene antics. Ew)

- Pilots! And flight attendants! (My flight attendant friends have awesome stories. This one would write itself)

- Professional athletes (Footballer’s wives! But in AMERICA. It’ll be like the best of Cribs with more yelling and infidelity and plate-throwing)

- Renaissance fair workers

Got any other suggestions? Something that does not involve the law or scrubs, preferably?